Portals: Beware of Where your Mind Travels

So I've been practicing mindfulness as much as I can everyday, and its not a quick fix. Sometimes my anxiety is too strong. I try to stay in the moment but I'm faced with crushing defeat. You see my mind travels a lot, a symptom of restlessness or even unhappiness with the present moment. Certain stimuli trigger what I like to call "Portals" to open in my mind. These portals, once active, take me to any number of places, but they usually stay within the confines of time and possibility. That means, as long as I am stable, I travel between past or future. Its getting back to the present reality that becomes a problem, however. If I can escape the trigger, travel back is possible. But what if you cant? What if your stuck in a situation and all you can do is try your best to stay level headed. You try to return the the present, but the past or future is staring you in the face. Mindfulness can help, but only if one, you've practiced and gotten good enough at it that it actually works on you during crippling distress, and two, you have a moment to practice it, like if you're alone.

For me, I was alone to use what I learned, but the trigger of a certain song sent me flying flash forward into a future portal where my thoughts raced about the end of the world. The trigger was two words, end of the world, then soon after, trump. I'm not about to get political here, I promise. But right before I was admitted in the hospital last, I was wholeheartedly convinced he was the harbinger of the Final Days. So my head spun with concerns like how did he know too? And from there the temptation to bring up past conspiracies, most of which weren't realistic. So I was almost completely paralyzed, unable to work properly, praying that it would end. So yeah, I believe our minds will travel to any number of places, either to feel safe, deal with internal struggles. But keep in mind what the mind might find safe might not be safe for the person. So now the person is trapped in the mindset, be it past, future, or pretending to be someone or something else entirely, all because the brain feels in control. But we are not our brains, our minds being just a part of us. Now we're trapped in this place and have racing thoughts in this trapped mindset. This is where mania whoops in and says, "Lets stay in this place where we feel the most in control!"

Funny, sounds like someone we know! Appealing to humans desires to be more like God, we can turn the tables and be more like God by giving in over to our loving God. Getting on the right medication, admitting ourselves in the hospital if need be. This shows humility, which Jesus, God's One and Only Son showed on the cross ass he took our sins upon him.

First Day of DBT

It was brought to my attention that it was all the negative self talk causing me to overthink, get anxious, and become depressed. For someone with bipolar, these are things I do not want. So I began doing DBT therapy, and with that, comes commitment. Going so long living on autopilot caused me to be almost completely oblivious to the beauty of God's creation and how active and alive he was in my life. If I was ever to get out of the funk that I was in, I going to need to bring myself into a place of self awareness. This meant being in touch with me, and God, in the present moment. Being aware of how special I was, how loved I was, and far I have come. By focusing on the present moment, we are aware of these things and more. I even practiced mindfulness at work. It kept me calm and focused, no longer looking at when I would leave, or what I might eat on break, or even when the time would come to finally get a place of my own.

But there's some kinks to still work out.

This is where commitment comes into place. For this therapy to work, the user must be commited, even if there are snags along the way. A great friend often tells me "any behavior can be learned or lost in 3 weeks, if practiced everyday." Now, that doesn't mean I will be a professional. It just means I will highly likely to do that behavior/action consistently. When that consistancy starts we find growth over time. So everyday, at least once, I will practice mindfulness, even if it seems useless. Slowly, my brain will remember how to calm its negatively impulsive thinking cycle,  and recalibrate itself to fit a new, more positive thinking cycle. I firmly believe this is why Jesus wants me to hold off going to school. To give me the chance to change my brain so I can deal with stress not as an wall, but as a hurdle. Someday, when faced with stress, I will remain neutral, calm, and it will be broke down, not built up. God is using this standstill to erase all the years of negative self talk caused by peer pressure, bullying, familial hardship, etc. Now, my mind will not be perfect, I know that some mountains are to tall to move, but I will be strong enough to know that God can, and will, as it fits into his divine plan. 

I encourage all of you, bipolar or not, to commit to mindfulness. Be present in the moment, once a day. Turn off your devices, close your eyes, breathe, and notice the NOW, inside and out.

Technical Issues!

This post is going to be short and sweet. I understand people have been trying to follow me. I'm sorry, I'm trying my best to resolve the issue. Stick with me I will figure this out eventually.

Sort of a Blah Day

Well, my original plan on getting through this dry spell was to create this blog, hoping some people might see it, and engage in it, and, in turn, me. But honestly, I think I'm going to keep on blogging, Not for the others, but for me. But without activities to actively engage in, I find myself lost and depressed. Like today was ok, I had a list of things I needed to do, and most of that got resolved, but the rest of the day was just me lounging around. I do plan on hanging out with a friend wednesday, and my bible study is tomorrow, but other than the two days I work I struggle to keep from getting depressed. I guess I got nothing more to say for today.

First Blog!

Hi friends. First time blogger, but I'm not new to the writing scene. I've had my own writing domain before. I have a long journey ahead of me (and dont we all). I feel I should start out by being real.

I was first hospitalized when I was a teenager and due to an onset of late puberty was diagnosed schizo-effective bipolar disorder. I never really felt like I belonged anywhere in society, let alone my schools. So when I was told I had a mental disability that would literally HAUNT me for the rest of my life, I was petrified. The next 8 years was spent weaving in and out of jobs, career choices, bad friends and their influences, trying to find where I belong. Meanwhile, I was drifting further away from the church, my faith, and my god-given purpose; a purpose I still dont know for certain, mind you.

Fast forward to now.

I'm a little more happier because in my latest hospital stay, I met a nice christian man. He had the love of the LORD in his heart, and it was strong enough to set me free. Since then, we hang out weekly, refusing to let time sever a good friendship. We help with each others illness so we stay stable. This, on top my medications and doctors visits keeps me out of the hospital and its been 8 months since I left. I also go to a support group, so I have found some new friends who honestly care about my wellbeing. I have also returned to church. Not my childhood church, a new, nondenominational one. Right by my house! I loved it instantly.

However...

I am in a reappealing process for getting SSD. Buuuut...I was told by my lawyer it would raise red flags to work part-time and school part-time. So, instead of starting my social work program by next Fall, I will have to wait probably another year. Fun. Why would God be putting me through this hassle, making me wait to get my school done and my life started? I dont know. But I know this. I've been in a worse place. And I will find a routine that gets me through this. Expect lots of updates, as well as additional blogs, poetry, and anything else I pour out on here. Okay, I've been on here enough for the night. More stuff to come.